


Ready To Start

by saffarinda (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Self-Hatred, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000, Wordcount: Over 1.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 17:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5172167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/saffarinda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan likes Phil too much. NOT MY WORK; ORIGINALLY WRITTEN BY DANALINGPHIL ON TUMBLR!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ready To Start

**Author's Note:**

> This work was originally written by Danalingphil on tumblr, and with their permission I have uploaded this content to ao3 for any future readers. I in no way take any credit for any of the content you are about to read.

Ready To Start: | Angst | 1.7k words | Dan struggles with his feelings for Phil

genre: angst  
word count: 1.7k  
warnings: anxiety, mentions of sexual content, implied abuse (emotional), co-dependence, swearing, self hatred  
desc: dan likes phil too much 

Logically he knew his life wasn’t ending, he knew he had more than a few things to be grateful for in his middle class, privileged life. He was kept awake by middle school scale problems and it bothered him, being so troubled his whole life and struggling to be optimistic when everything was supposed to be turned around by now. He just couldn’t rid of the drowning sensation in his lungs no matter how hard he willed himself to calm down.

Silly was what it was, it was only nerves shooting through his body and pooling in his gut. His part nervous excitement and part fear mixed together in waves of anxiety through his brain and settled dread throughout his whole body, making him feel heavy and hot.

Of course he shouldn’t be feeling rushes of negativity through his body, he’s come to a great epiphany, a true realization that is clear in the fogginess of his mind that holds questions of existentialism and life. It’s an obvious realization honestly, but he gets lost in his mind until he loses sight of what he wants in life. Now he has truly come to a realization that has sent rushes of excitement and confidence through his body.

For his whole life he’s been telling himself to take risks and let loose a bit, but looking at Phil makes his throat close up a bit and he can’t help but feel all he’s attached his life too is too precious. That’s his problem, he gets too attached and Phil feels like home and the thought of being away makes him choke up instantaneously. He’s known it has been the right thing all along but it’s finally hit him; he needs to stop tiptoeing around life and stop crying silently and just act on things and make things better for himself.

He’s jumping with every step, aimlessly pacing around his room and having to turn around every other second because he’s going too fast trying to flush out his anxiety. His whole body is feeling centred too around Phil and his legs ache with the desire to run into the lounge and press himself against Phil. Press himself against Phil and hold him tight enough he simply becomes apart of the other man. Bound and unbroken, a solid pact where he didn’t have to worry or be self-conscious and one where he could just consume Phi-

No, not that simple. But God, he just wants it so bad.

He practically jumped to stand in front of the closet, still shaking on the spot. Brown eyes scan back and forth, until a sliver of his old university hoodie pops out at him.  
‘That hoodie looks good on you, red does in general…I don’t know why you have to be so damn cute sometimes.’  
Phil’s voice was of a joking tone but the statement (and the gentle hand subtly brushing against his lower back as Phil walked by) still gave him a flutter in his chest.

He ripped it off the hanger, throwing it over his head. If Phil thought it looked cute on him, this was the situation of any that he should wear it.

Jumping a few steps backwards, he let himself fall and bounce on the mattress, hearing the slightest crack when he pressed down.

“Fuck,” He murmured, remembering the weak slats on his bed. It was a wonder he hadn’t broken through his bed. He can remember Phil tackling him down and hearing a loud crack but still only feeling contentment, and enjoying Phil’s weight on him and the comfort of being so close with Phil’s laughter in his ear. Phil rolled off and apologized but Dan would have been just ecstatic to have Phil bulldoze him through his bed and through the earth until he burnt at the core—as long as Phil could take him.

The bed springs creaked as he gently bounced himself on the mattress, feeling slightly ashamed that he related the rhythm with Phil. He tried to push the drunken, fuzzy memories from his mind. He really tried.

He looked around the room, smiling slightly because he really did have happy memories. Maybe they weren’t the best memories but they provided the happiness he could never find.

He sighed, forcing himself to stand up. He needed to go, before he lost all motivation and stayed stuck in the gruelling cycle of his life, he needed to fucking do it.  
He walked as fast as he could, which was barely a crawl with his legs were shaking so much.

Goddamn it was toxic in the best way, Phil was the fucking hydrogen cyanide and this house was his prison and he was so in love. All his emotions were heightened when it came to Phil, one kiss and he’d be short of breath. Phil walking away and he’d suffocate.

Almost six years and Phil was the constant in the front of his brain, causing most of his stress and anxiety but undoubtedly most of his happiness too. Or all of his happiness as it seemed at times.

He could depend on Phil and he sure as hell did, their relationship was complicated beyond belief but God, Phil helped him grow into an adult. He finally had a companion, a true friend (and so much more.) None of his problems felt too big when he could curl up next to Phil and suckle every bit of happiness he could get out of it.

He loved Phil with his entire soul and if he had any chance of fulfilment or happiness in his life he needed to do this. Come clean and call the shots for once.

At every thump of his heart Phil was more prominent in his mind and every step he grew more anxious.

He could feel Phil everywhere inside of him, running through his veins and clouding his vision. He wanted a life with him where he could confidently call Phil his for the rest of his life and where he could trust that no one would come take his place.

His heart seemed to drown out any other sound.

Turning in his spot, he walked forward as casually as he could muster.  
“Hey, you.” Dan said, his voice soft and affectionate. It came out naturally, taking in Phil’s position on the couch with his legs curled up. Phil gave a crooked smile that stretched the skin around his mouth and gave a sparkle to his eye. The pang in Dan’s heart made him jerk slightly.

His legs were stuck, he stood staring and feeling his insides slowly melt. He frowned at Phil, his eyebrows rising and the familiar affection running through his chest because Phil was just so utterly endearing as a whole.

Fuck, he thought, clenching his fists, don’t let it get to you. He blinked his eyes trying to focus; he wasn’t going to fuck up now. Phil looked up at him questionably.  
Thoughts ran through his brain at lightning speed. Waking up together and lying on each other’s laps and hugging for too long and feeling the hot skin and the breath on his face when Phil would whisper things and fuck.

He let the emotions cloud him and let the longing run through his throat, and he dug his nails into his own palms.  
“Dan….”

He pressed harder and focused on how invested and far-gone he was, and he pushed internally for himself to say something.

He breathed twice.

“I’m leaving.”

A long silence passed, and he started to wonder if he spoke out at all—

“Where are you going?” Phil sounded confused and slightly amused, making Dan feel simultaneously frustrated.

“I’m moving out. Not coming back.” His voice only slightly quivered.

Phil opened his mouth but not a sound came out. He looked speechless.

Dan knew Phil was probably hurt and that was possibly the worst part of it all, and he hated himself for thinking that way, and it was only more of the reason to keep going.  
Dan almost waited a moment for a “But why, Dan?” or a “You don’t have to do that, Dan!” but he was feeling too fuelled by now and he had to spit out what he’d been planning to say for the past year.

“You can’t just fucking kiss me when you want and expect me to back off after, and you can’t just fuck me random nights and go on dates with other people in the meantime and you can’t just expect me to fucking stay when you don’t even care about me.” His words spitting out faster than he thought he could speak and his lips quivering as his voice rose.

Phil stared up with wide eyes.

“You know how I feel and you’ve just manipulated me and it’s your fucking loss. I can’t live my life being invested in you and having you as my life support or some shit, I can find happiness myself. I’m not a scared teenager and I don’t need you one bit!”

Dan’s face burned red and his hands shook but he felt strong for once in his life and Phil’s shocked face was unexpectedly satisfying. He didn’t feel the need to run into the other boys’ arms, he stood tall and guarded and didn’t feel an ounce of remorse for the moment the adrenaline pumped through his body.

He turned on his heel before he could drop to the ground and take it back; he could feel what he said starting to eat him from the inside out. He heard a weak call of his name and he was glad he had turned because tears immediately started to prickle at his eyes and he felt such a weight in his chest but he just focused on pushing his legs faster, down the stairs.

The situation was settling in and he started to let out panicked gasps, feeling the saliva stick his throat closed, and he stumbled down the last steps, willing himself to not stop, though his muscles ached like he ran a marathon.

Slamming the front door behind him, he jumped down a few steps before collapsing backwards and wheezing despite his efforts to stay confident and calm.

He felt sick and he tried to take gulps of air to cool his throat. Turning, he stared at his front door for a few moments with wide eyes. It may only be a few steps but he was out and he had to keep going and keep his word to himself and find happiness in something that didn’t put him second.

He didn’t want to think of the change that was happening or how he would live his life now without a home. It was itching at his skin.

Phil’s existence rang in his mind every second that passed and he felt a range of emotions but he tried to focus on the lack of restraint around his life. He could leave all his things and start a new life; he was ready. It was no longer a thought he pushed to the back of his mind. He had claimed his life.

He stood, steadied himself, and kept walking.


End file.
